RingoI need to be working but for some reason I can’t focus till I get this out. Most likely because of the the very flaw I’m about to discuss. See I have a problem with fear. Fear of failure. Not fear that I will fail. I’ve failed a few thousand times and it doesn’t really bother me. Fear that I am failure. Fear that if I put myself into something and it fails, well then I’m not good. If I try something and can’t get it, I am a worthless person.
This is not a uinque feeling. It is not in anyway uncommon and I recognize that not only to millions of others have it, but that it is an irrational stupid fear. Yet it still persist. Sometimes just as an annoying feeling in the background, a buzzing gnat. Othertimes it paralyzes me as surely as Medusa’s stare. My particular problem with this is when I fall behind in a project. Once I no longer feel like I am on track, I worry everything is doomed. Sometimes I can will myself back, possibly even the majority of the time. Still, there are times I don’t.
Far too frequently, rather than face the knot in my stomach, rather than suck it up and deal with the negative feelings, I find ways to distract myself. Find reasonse to put it off, other things that demand my attention(like this writing for example). Even if I fall just a little behind or sometime not even behind just I begin to feel that some the quality is not up to par or an extra bonus thing I thought I could get done becomes too much, I begin to panic. Once I panic it’s a roll of the dice to see if I can recover.
I face this on one or another project daily. And I fail daily. Rather than face the fear, I turn away. I also succeed, though not sure it’s daily. I am not always a coward, yet at the end of it, I still am a coward. I have refused to acknowledge this truth to myself. Hopefully this is step 1 in developing the very simple, yet very important bravery that every human is asked, and far too many of us today fail. Some of you who don’t have this struggle will never realize have envious of you those of us who do are. Some of you who have it and managed to learn the skills to overcome, may never realize how heroic that is to some of us. For real, I look up to people who can handle the simple tasks of daily life.
I have conquered this fear in only one arena that I can think of, though it still sets me back often, Fighting. I’m willing to try and fail there. I’m willing to go out against an opponent thinking I’ve prepared as much as possible. I’m willing to get back to training after a slip. I don’t mind falling behind. The struggle to me is the goal and in the end there is no failure if you are constantly pushing, trying, and learning. It’s not even about being the best fighter, though that is a worthy goal. It’s being the best fighter I can possibly be. There is no end. There is no success. There is no failure. There is simply the training and the fight.
Somehow I need to make that happen in my other struggles. Somehow…I will.
P.S.
I feel like a bitch writing about my struggles when I know I have been given so much and made so little of it. It comes off as emo, privileged, and whiny. I know there are those who have it harder in mind, body, life circumstance, etc than I ever have and likely ever will. I personally know many of those people. If you think this may be about you, I want you to know I find it amazing and inspiring just seeing you get through what you do. I hope and pray you get to do more and push farther and find new horizons and less struggle. And I endeavor to use your examples as inspiration to push myself to the same.
I’m not trying to compare challenges with anyone. While I have my troubles and found it incredibly emotional to face a weakness I like to pretend I don’t have or doesn’t affect me, I don’t have any illusions about my luck in the world. I am not asking for help, pity, or even empathy. I am faced with less than the vast majority of the world and I come up short more than I don’t…I would like to stop doing that. I’m hoping this writing will shame me into doing that. We’ll see. Writing about doing better is so much easier than doing better and provides the momentary catharsis to continue feeling good, while not actually fixing the problem. So…hopefully next time I write one of these I’m actually on the right track. We’ll see…we’ll See.