Guess It Turns Out I’m a Shitty Ambassador

I wrote this at the end of January in response to a number of private conversations and public comments that make me think about my behavior as a minor name in the community. It caused me to realize I was not viewed as safe or approachable to some. I reflected on how I had engaged in building clique and creating drama and negativity across the community. I’ve been actively working on it since then, but I figured it would still be worth posting my thoughts from then. 

Warning, Yet another self indulgent post incoming from an overly neurotic privileged white boy with no real sense of perspective.

Woof, I hope the rest of this sounds less emo. But like. I doubt it will. 

I’m struggling with a realization that should not be surprising. I’m a shitty ambassador of the sport. By ambassador I mean a person who is a face of the sport for outsiders or who helps bring those with casual interest in. A good ambassador is welcoming, doesn’t participate in negative drama, and actively works to put the best face forward for the sport. That ain’t me.

In case anyone plans on stepping up to defend me or anything like…chill please. This may be a self pitying post but I’m legit not asking for ego boosts. My ego is big enough and I know that I have lots of small contributions to improving and bettering the sport(is that a humble brag? Did I do the thing?). I also know I’m not responsible for any serious major shifts. I’m one of the people who is trying to create ideas, often shitty or poorly thought out ones, that other people can take and make better. Some are working and some aren’t. That’s life. And I’ll probably never really get to know what things I inspired, wholly or partially, and what things are completely separate. Dem’s the breaks. Point is I get that I’m a Named Man and I also get that being a Named Man doesn’t mean I’m the end all be all of the sport or that I don’t have my flaws.

And I think that might be one of my biggest flaws, failing to open the sport up to new people. Being welcoming and inviting, both personally in meat space and also in words and actions online. I am…neither of these. I said this is not surprising because I’ve written about it before in the differences between The Knights Hall and the Once and hopefully Future SwordClass NYC. Since then the hall has made a huge concerted effort to be way more welcoming, way more open, to be more supportive. A Lot of this is driven by Cat Brooks who deserves a huge shout out for helping shape the culture to be more inviting. In that time though I have at best not changed. More likely I’ve gotten worse.

Online I am…well let’s face it, I’m an asshole. I’m aggressive and confrontational. I have feuds with at least two west coast fighters if not more and for all I know a couple of east coast and midwest ones. I provide content but rarely put in the work to make sure it’s understandable to newer fighters. I speak on people, maneuvers, rules, expecting people to just know, using exclusionary jargon for no purpose of clarity(while calling out others for doing the same). I actively shit on parts of the sport people love and shame them for it. I attack members of the community over personal shit in public. I am one of those very guilty of creating drama and widening rifts. I swear like a sailor, occasionally revel in misogyny, and express a strong belief in elitism. Which takes me to my behavior in real life.

Ever hear someone say “Why bother learning their name till they prove themselves?” That’s a concept that I’ve heard expressed many times, in many ways, not just in Steel but in the SCA too. And it’s one I’ve used far too much as well. Proving themselves can mean a bunch of different things. Stick around long enough. Do well in a fight. For me it means dedicating yourself to training. I don’t generally give people respect or the time of day till I’ve seen them put in some serious work. Even then I’m not warm. I never go out of my way to talk to new people…which to me might mean someone who’s been around for less than…2 years? At events or the gym I tend to walk around with a perpetual scowl. If I’m training, even in a class setting I try to focus on my shit and ignore everyone else.

A question worth asking is, is this a responsibility fighters have?  Technically no. I don’t think anyone owes it to the community to not be a bit of an asshole. As long as they are not abusing people being a jerk is kinda just a meh. Some might argue that as a Name in the community I have a greater responsibility and I kinda reject that. Just because someone fights good or gets a bit of following doesn’t mean they owe this hobby more than they want to give. It’s a thing we do for fun and at the end of the day if someone just wants to show up and fight they should be able to.

There’s one exception to that though. People who CHOOSE to be someone. People who step up to lead and thus get some measure of power. People who create persona’s and gather social capital based on it. The people who decide to be voices in the community. They have a responsibility to use that voice and that power in a way to support it. So like, I chose this responsibility, I just never lived up to it. I have walked into the role as a person that will be looked to both locally and online.

The reality is I don’t want to be the guy newcomers come to. I am a grumpy fuck who doesn’t like strangers or new people. I actually LIKE being a grumpy fuck and don’t really want more friends thank you. Honestly I have too many as is, Being social and keeping up with people is draining for me, like many others, and the implied social responsibility of friendship, hell even of acquaintanceship, can get to be alot for me. So like, to a certain extent I’m happy off on my own, not being part of the new groups springing up, not being the one who brings the new crowd in, not welcoming.

I don’t mind talking technique, provided you have shown a willingness to train. I don’t mind talking armor and weapons, provided you have shown you want to more than just look pretty in it. Hell, I love going over ideas to improve and listening to new advice…provided you haven’t bragged and not backed it up. Talking fighting is something I’m almost always willing to do regardless of how long someone has fought, but I have my pet peeves and I don’t want to deal with people who poke them.

On the other hand…I LOVE this sport. Too much probably as it’s taken a lot from me and I often wonder if my mental health has tanked recently because I poured too much of my soul into something for once. However that’s for another time. I want to do things that improve this sport. I don’t want to do the work, just like I don’t want to fix my armor…but just like that, I have to if I want to fight or I want to help improve the sport and the community.

Everytime I turn the cold shoulder to a new fighter, that’s another thing that could be driving them away. Everytime I suck it up and introduce myself with a smile and offer to help, that’s a person I might be bringing in. Everytime I offer to work or spar with someone who looks a little lost or out of place, that’s a way of showing them they DO belong here. I don’t want to be the one who does it..but it needs to be done and by as many people as possible, particularly those of us with a little word fame.

I could end with a promise to DO BETTER or some other trite bullshit. But like, I know better. I’ll try but likely I’ll make marginal improvements if any. I could ask for help to do this, and I’d love those who know me to help push me to be better, but for a post that has been so internally focused I don’t want to end with a fake uplifting call to action that makes me seem better. I wrote this for two reasons. The first was to explore my thoughts after a number of posts and messages have exposed that I do not have a position as someone who is safe to come to or who welcomes and encourages new fighters. I only realized the second as I got part way through…this is me saying, to the people who feel marginalized, who feel that the sport pushes them away through cliquishness, through misogyny, through whatever thing you’ve felt, yeah…that makes sense. We’re not good…or at least I’m not and I don’t feel like I’m alone in this.